Xmas break

I wanted to write about this but I keep putting it off... Idk why. Nate and I spent time together over his leave. A lot.. of time together. We kissed, had sex, loved on each other. It was amazing and sensual and fun. I smiled with him just like I used to and we talked about how we couldnt be together and whatever was going on was just that. When he left I didn't cry, instead I started dreaming of him every night. We have only talked a tiny bit. Mostly about bills etc. But we are better. We joke with each other a little. Are genuine a out being nice. I like where we are. We are okay. And for once... I know he is okay which makes me feel ok to move on.

Side note... our divorce is final. I'm legally single after 3 1/2 years of marriage.

Things I like... about me

I like that I like to smile
I like that I like to have fun
I like that I'm learning to stand up for myself
I like that I give people 2nd chances
I like that I like to get away by myself and go drive for no reason
I like that I love to read
I like my freckles
I like my smile
I like my eyes
I like that I like the way I look
I like that I adore my best friends Trav and Liz
I like that I try to keep good people in my life
I like that I do what I want and dont let others decide things for me
I like that I am getting food and pie at 342 am just cause I can and it sounded good
I like that I have been kicked and drug around by my hair and still manage to be happy this year
I like that I am strong
I like that I am stubborn
I like that I dance around to music blasting far too loud at any given moment
I like that people take notice of me
I like me.

Nate.. again

You're consuming my mind! You would be proud of me for losing weight and be pushing me to eat more than I have been because its not healthy. You would have come to my rescue and given me a big hug and kiss and said it was all going to be okay. We would be spending Xmas together. We would have our first tree together. We would be talking babies, or maybe even have one on the way. I always adored you. I miss you, and love you, and cry about you in the middle of the night. I'm so sorry for hurting you.

Thanksgiving weekend

Worked open to close weds, went boarding with the twins on Thanksgiving, stopped at moms and their parents. Worked Friday morning with Amanda, went out to oc with Annie then to Dave and busters for Julies bday. Then hung out with Vega. He kissed me, a lot. It was nice. We are also going to go on a date. I'm looking forward to that. Maybe the weekend after next. Sat I hung out with Annie again and went out, I have a blast with her. Erika and Richard got engaged. Today I worked, made good money and had fun. Its been a good weekend!

I still miss you

I think I always will miss you Bear.

How quickly and quietly things change

Nov 9th?

I am laying in bed tonight, not feeling very good. Trav left about 11 and I fell asleep before he even said he was home. Eric text me about 230 and woke me up.... its now 5 and I still can't sleep. Nate finally filed for divorce... I counted and if I am correct January 26th I will be legally divorced. I have been thinking about him lots lately. I'm not sure why. I miss him a lot sometimes. I miss holding him, cause yes... I held him. I miss his morning kisses on my forehead. I miss his ninja rolls. Above all, I miss his friendship. He has his faults like everyone, but he really is a good guy!
With that being said, I wish I was dating someone. I wish someone cared enough to take the time to take me out. To spend time with me, and to treat me well. I wish Eric cared enough to TRUELY be my friend. I wish Brandon didn't drive me up the wall, then be so awesome. I with Justin didn't have a girlfriend lol.
Keenan text me today, a little out of the blue. Said he wants to hang out soon. I reminded him he owes me dinner. I think we will be doing a dinner date soon.
For as much as I want someone to be around, I am very terrified.

You cant handle it

I talked to angel today. About Eric. Which I probably shouldn't have done. It is what it is. He told her about how Thomas was flirting with me etc and was getting all huffy about it. If he isn't interested then why did he get so huffy to me and then to angel? Is he staking claim or does he actually give a crap.
I deleted his number... how much do you want to bet he won't text me for at least a week? I don't fucking get it. If I could say anything to him it would be this.
'Its amazing to me that you get huffy and puffy about someone liking me regardless of them being in a relationship or not. You made it very clear that you don't have time for me. To spend or to be friends. You keep saying I'm great etc. You have no idea. You think you know who I am or how I'll be. I may not be the clingy immature 24 year old but I also don't deal well with bullshit and games. I refuse to be one of your little games. You are 36 and have no desire to date? Clearly you have things wrong in your own head. I am not going to just speak with you when I text you or when its convenient for you. That isn't how my relationships work in my life. You want to even know me more than drinks and tips... prove it. If not then stop acting like you care.'

Maid of Honor

Last night my best friend (Liz) asked me to be her maid of honor.... while at her friend linettes house Haha... we ask each other all the important things at inappropriate times and places! Of course I said yes... I'm a little nervous! I think we decided Vegas for the pre-party! Hell yes!

I dont get it but whatever...

I accidentally sent Eric a text that was supposed to go to Trav saying if my downfall is being too kind etc then I'll take it... he responded with 'Stop trying to sell yourself to everyone. You're great' why thank you sir... too bad you clearly have no intentions of truly getting to know me... *eye roll*

How DARE you!

Jairus: Were you fucking high on something? Were you WASTED? I swear on my life the next time someone tries to forcibly kiss me I will punch them in the face as hard as possible. Saying no not once but 3 times, pushing him away and saying "I asked you not to" clearly isn't a obvious enough no. I told him to get out of my car and looked in my rearview to make sure he was away enough for my car, as I see him change his mind and start walking towards my door I drove off pretty damn fast. I am actually SHOCKED HE OF ALL PEOPLE tried something like that. I am DONE talking to him, done. He can't keep his emotions in check, he tried to force himself on me? Even if it wasn't sexually... that's NOT okay. EVER.
*Shudder*