How DARE you!

Jairus: Were you fucking high on something? Were you WASTED? I swear on my life the next time someone tries to forcibly kiss me I will punch them in the face as hard as possible. Saying no not once but 3 times, pushing him away and saying "I asked you not to" clearly isn't a obvious enough no. I told him to get out of my car and looked in my rearview to make sure he was away enough for my car, as I see him change his mind and start walking towards my door I drove off pretty damn fast. I am actually SHOCKED HE OF ALL PEOPLE tried something like that. I am DONE talking to him, done. He can't keep his emotions in check, he tried to force himself on me? Even if it wasn't sexually... that's NOT okay. EVER.
*Shudder*

My Vow

I'm making a vow to myself... I need to regain focus. No more going out and spending ANY money. No more going out to dinner with friends, no more drinking any alcohol (with the exception of halloween weekend because I know I will want to and I know I will be with 100% responsible people who wont pressure me into having more than AAAAA beer if that's what I choose, or even pressuring me into one), no more talking to males about dating or relationships, or kissing or anything until IIIIIIII am re-focused and clear in my own head on what my intents will be with that person and ONLY that person, Save every dime I make, sit at home and study for my test, or sit at a coffee shop or somewhere that I can focus on my future, save up the money to file for divorce because I don't think nate is going
to and he doesn't deserve to be getting payments from me and the extra money from the military since HE chose this, Get my OWN car ins on my OWN plan, get my phone into MY name only, stop falling back into letting people use me and walk all over me. No more venting to you all about the negative things in my life because I have so much going for me and so many positive things in my world. Everyone says how strong I am. I AM strong, and I want to be that, FOR ME! So I'm giving myself until Thanksgiving. I need to learn a little more self control with drinking, spending money, and men. I will re-evaluate myself and how I feel about things then. I know I can do this, I WANT this. I know I have the support.

I used to write you letters....

Nathan,
I used to write you letters all the time, when we were still in love. When I couldn't figure out how else to tell you what I was feeling. Well what I'm feeling right now is mad. How are you friends with Mikala? How does Dani feel about that? How can you forgive HER, someone who STOLE money from you, tried to ruin our relationship from the get go, turn her back on you as soon as she saw you were doing well for yourself. Yet, you can't forgive me? I continue to see how much we would never work out. I'm constantly frustrated by you. By the things I see and hear. How can Dani hate me so much but be okay with Mikala? wtf is she some damn saint now?

It's interested to me that this still hurts me so baddly, I honestly think that it hurts me more than it hurts you. I think you just stopped caring. I think you were too interested in YOUR future you forgot about OURS. So no, I haven't forgiven myself fully, and I'm not sure I ever fully will. But knowing that people are okay with that and willing to stick by my side and love me through it. That's all I need. One day I will be free of this, free of you, free of us.

I have done so much to better myself, to let this go, to grow and move forward. I am honest with people now. I want a real, good, healthy relationship in my future. I wont let you hold me back anymore.

You held me back from so much and I never realized it, I don't think you ever did either. But i'm mad at you, and that's way better than hating myself and hurting all the time.


I don't cry about you anymore, I am not in love with you anymore. I want to be done and wash my hands of this.
Love you forever,
Your Bite Sized Pretty Girl....

I've been neglectful

I haven't blogged in about a month now... not really on purpose but blogging via cell phone sucks!

So much stupid little stuff has changed and changed again and grown etc.

A few things still remain/are going great.
1. I am officially a closer at work after a month and a half. Most people have been there 6 months or longer and aren't closing so woooo!
2. We have to move and have 3 weeks left to do so.
3. Hyrum is back from spain and I haven't had the pleasure of seeing him yet but hopefully this week. That kid makes me smile <3
4. Travis is still awesome and I should really stop telling him things because he can't just keep shit to himself he has to joke about it in front of others and it is really annoying.
5. Jarius popped back into my life and it's a scary thing for me. I CAN'T get into it too deep with him, he is joining the military.
6. Kyle came home, didn't see me of course... no surprise there... because he didn't want to upset laura. I have a feeling this really is the end. Ending on a not good but not bad note. I have no place in his life and vice versa and now that i'm single.. I see that more than ever.
7. IGAF right now to write more haha... work time... bye chitlins

Your Plan

"Your Plan"


Hello, it's been too long
My fault I haven't called
Thank you for picking up the phone

I've been swimming around
Trying hard not to drown
Waiting on my life calling to sound

And I'm hangin' on best as I can
Cause I know this whole crazy ride's in Your hands
It's Your plan

This is my white flag wave
This is me handing you the reigns
I know You can steer my hurricane

And I'll hang on best as I can
Cause I know this whole crazy ride's in Your hands
It's Your plan
It's Your plan

So I'll hang on the best as I can
Best as I can
Cause I know this whole Crazy ride's in Your hands
It's Your Plan

Last thursday I saw Dustin Lynch in concert - he sang this song and it hit my heart hard. It's a beautiful song